8 Divided by 2 Equals Vexen
by Kiexa
Summary: We all know Vexen hates Axel. Why? Because. It all started the day Axel joined the Organization, when he first set foot into Vexen's lab. And that's when things got... well, heated.


Heya peeps! finally got this put up, to anyone who read the preview! :D It's super long and I'm not exactly sure how much it's just nonsense and how much is actually funny. But parts of it made me laugh, so hopefully that's a good sign. XD

BY THE WAY: I would rate this T-and-a-half, if that existed, for Axel and Vexen's atrocious language, and Axel's dirty, perverted little mind. You have been warned.

DISCLAIMER:

KINGDOM HEARTS- *slams door in face, then drives off without me*

Ahem, anyway.....

**8 ÷ 2 = Vexen**

"Where are we going?" The voice echoed down the long white hallway of the Castle That Never Was. The sound of footsteps pattered off the walls as two figures made their way down the corridor.

Xigbar glanced back at the speaker, a tall, lanky Nobody with a shock of blazing red hair springing from his head and catlike green eyes that sparkled with subdued mischief. The Organization's newest recruit, Axel, fresh off the streets. "I'm taking you to Vexen's lab to get measurements for a coat," he said. "You didn't think the Superior was going to let you keep those god-awful rags?"

The recruit looked down at his faded, ripped jeans and black tee-shirt, then back up at Xigbar, shrugging. "I like these god-awful rags. I say Xemmy-pooh should just shove it."

"As if," Xigbar scoffed. "You try talking to him that way and see what gets shoved where."

"Oh, I will. But not right now. Who's Vexen?"

Xigbar slowed slightly to look at Axel's half-smirking expression. The brand new Number Eight was either some sort of fairy sprite or the devil, and Xigbar was leaning toward the latter. He shrugged. "Number Four, the castle's mad scientist. He's a pissy, peculiar old man -- I can guarantee you won't like him."

"Why?"

Xigbar slowed again. "Well…" he hesitated. "He's… like a backed up toilet. Constipated."

"Uh-huh." Xigbar could almost hear the wicked sparkle in Axel's eyes. "When you flush, it overflows?"

"Uhh… I guess you could say that."

Axel slapped Xigbar's back with a painfully strong hand. "Then relax. I love this guy already."

"Vexen! Vexen, are you in here?" Xigbar called into the lab, banging a fist against the doorjamb.

"Do I get no peace?" a muffled voice muttered from somewhere far away. Then louder, "Patience! I'm coming!"

Axel stepped into the lab beside Xigbar, straining to see past the glass laboratory apparatus, plastic tubing, and stainless steel that cluttered every corner of the room. Something crashed at the opposite end of the room, and a tall, haggard Nobody with long hair the color of old yellowed wallpaper emerged from jungle of tubes and machinery, a severed arm clamped firmly in his right hand.

"Good afternoon, Number Two," he said in a overly polite monotone, dropping the limb onto a messy workbench and wiping a blackish liquid off his fingers with a rag.

Xigbar eyed the workbench. "Your replicas aren't replicating us very well, are they?"

Vexen shot him an irritated look. "I'm your elder, Two, you've no right to criticize me."

Xigbar waved him off. "We've got a new member who needs a coat. Axel. He's our Number Eight."

"_Ciao_." Axel raised a hand.

"I see." Vexen stepped toward them, gave Axel a brusque once-over, then held out his hand. "I am Number Four, exactly four ranks above you."

Axel grinned and grabbed the hand, squeezing it with his deathly grip. "That's nice. But if you double four, you get me. I'm twice what you are and ever will be, in everything but lame sauce and male PMS. I've got looks, strength, spine, and brains. I'm a smartass. It's like I'm Vexen 2.0, but better. Got it memorized?"

A sudden snort interrupted him. Axel glanced back to see Xigbar struggling to suppress a toothy grin and failing miserably. The red-haired Nobody merely cocked an eyebrow and turned back to Vexen. "What's his problem?"

Vexen jerked at his hand, trying to remove it from Axel's circulation-blocking grasp, and glowered at him. "Nothing, Number Eight," he stated dryly. "Nothing at all."

Axel abruptly let go of his hand, sending him flying backwards and nearly toppling over his workbench. He straightened hastily, yanking his coat into place, and turned to glare at Axel, only to see the Nobody cradling his palm against his cheek, a melancholy expression on his features. There, however, was no hiding the devilish look in his eyes.

"What's wrong with you?" Vexen barked, more harshly than necessary.

Axel rubbed his hand against his cheek. "It's nothing," he said sadly, lowering his eyes.

Vexen stared at the younger Nobody in silence, at a loss. How had he shifted from that mocking introduction to the sorry look he had on now so quickly? It was dizzying. With that pathetic downcast gaze, the red-head reminded him of a wounded puppy. It was highly… unusual.

"Stop your sniveling, Eight! I demand to know why you're acting in such a -- a ridiculous, sentimental manner!"

Axel raised those emerald-green eyes again, now wide as a doe's. "It… It's just that…" He hesitated. "Vexen, you're just so cold! Your skin, even just touching it chills me to the bone!"

Vexen stared at him, completely bewildered. "My element is ice."

"Still…" Axel let his head drop again. "Do you even cover yourself at night when you sleep?"

"I don't sleep!" Vexen snapped. "I find no need to waste my time with such frivolousness!"

Axel raised his head and moved toward the Academic, then leaned in and drew uncomfortably close to Vexen's neck. His hot breath tickled the scientist's ear as he whispered, "Oh, dear Vexen, would you like me to warm your bed for you?"

Vexen was puzzled at first, and irritated that the new Nobody already had enough nerve to invade his personal space. Then the double meaning dawned on him like a blow from Lexaeus's tomahawk. His eyebrows shot upward and he slapped Axel away from him, cringing in disgust and horror. Or to be more accurate, wishing that he were human so that he could be cringing in disgust and horror.

Either way, he was utterly speechless.

"Number Eight! I suggest you keep your hands to yourself!" was the only thing that came out of his mouth when he tried to say, _You disgusting, perverted, embarrassment of a Nobody! Get off me before I turn you into a dusk!_

Eyes gleaming wickedly, Axel crossed his arms and didn't even attempt to conceal the grin that spread across his face and displayed his perfectly straight, white teeth.

"Is that considered offensive here?"

"Yes, Number Eight!" Vexen snapped. He glanced sideways at Xigbar for support, but the Freeshooter was mouthing something suspiciously similar to _homophobe_.

Exasperated, he spun sharply on his heel and stalked over to a ceiling-high panel of computer screens and keyboards, picking up a clipboard that had snuggled into a nest of tangled electrical cords. Glaring at the display, he grated out an order to Axel without looking up, "That device on the worktable. Put your hand inside it. I need to see your element."

"This thing?" Vexen turned to see Axel leaning over a flat 12-by-12 inch silver box with a glowing monitor. "Yes, that thing! Do you see any other devices on the table?"

"No, but there _is_ a whole shitload of junk."

"Just put your hands in the device!"

Axel turned around. "Jeez, Vexy, no need to be so defensive. It's just shit."

"And shut up!"

Axel spread his fingers and pressed his hand down onto the screen, and Vexen turned back to the control panel, clenching his teeth so tightly that his jaw cramped. He smacked a button on the panel, and growled something under his breath about making neophytes real so they could go to hell.

_Boom!!_

Vexen's eyes went suddenly wide. _He didn't … _Spinning, he turned and immediately zeroed in on the tiny, flaming piece of machinery in Axel's palm.

"Is it supposed to do that?" Axel asked with a somewhat roguish glance in Vexen's direction. "Was I not supposed to set it on fire?"

Vexen's attention returned to his precious element-detecting device, which was now a smoldering lump of carbon in that… _devil's_ hand. "No!" he snapped. "No, Number Eight, you were not supposed to set it on fire!"

"And you didn't tell me this because…?"

"Because I assumed you were intelligent enough to know that _delicate pieces of expensive, hard-to-procure laboratory equipment _are not usually well-suited to exposure to an extremely destructive, extremely hot element known as _FIRE_!"

"Ahh. I'm so flattered. But--," Axel cocked his head, "Strange you changed your mind so quickly, 'cause it sure didn't look like you thought that when I walked in."

"I try not to judge by appearance, Number Eight."

"What do you judge by? Stick-up-ass-ness? In that case I'm probably on the bottom of your list, aww dammit." Axel smirked.

_I'll turn him into a dusk first, then I'll kill him,_ Vexen decided as he tried to think up a witty response. "Indeed you are. And beside your name on my list are the words _moron_ and _pervert_." Here, Vexen paused and grinned smugly, proud of himself for thinking up such an impressive retort, "And since I am so much less than what you are…"

"Your brains are smaller than mine and so are your--" Axel looked down, his reference obvious.

Vexen's pride deflated instantly. "You--!"

"Vexen!"

Both Vexen and Axel jumped, then turned. Xigbar was still standing by the door, boot tapping the ground, mouth twitching. "Coat, Vexen. Focus."

It didn't help much that his voice was strangled with a hernia-inducing level of laughter restraint.

Vexen cleared his throat and glared at Axel. "Coat. Yes."

He looked down at his clipboard, which he still clutched in his right hand, and scanned the first page on it, struggling to keep his eyes on the paper and not on the wickedly chuckling redheaded Nobody in front of him. "I need to take your measurements," he said finally, raising his head and looking anywhere but Axel.

"Which body part do you mean?" Axel said.

Vexen clenched his teeth. _Why did I ask Xemnas for this job at the beginning? Why?!_ "I refuse to answer that question."

Axel raised his hands. "Hey, it's all good. Just a question, you know."

Vexen grunted. He pointed to a large glass enclosure in a corner of the room and said, "Scanner. In. Now."

"Going." Axel said and turned, heading for it. "Jeez. I'm not that stupid."

Vexen trailed behind, moderately surprised that the Nobody had actually said six whole words without hinting at something indecent. A miracle, perhaps?

He went back to his station at the control panel, then glanced over at Axel, who held the door handle of the scanner uncertainly. "Exactly how far down do you want me to strip?"

So much for the miracle. "You don't have to undress, Eight, just get into the scanner!"

"Getting." Axel scooted into the glass box and shut the door behind him, looking around warily. "So's this thing all high-tech and X-ray and crap?" he asked, his voice muffled by the barrier.

"Yes," Vexen said shortly, turning back to the computers. He was not going to fall for this trickster again. He refused to.

"Oh, so it can takes measurements and pictures and crap through my clothes… right?"

"Yes."

"And you made it?"

"Yes."

"Your idea completely."

"Yes."

"Uh-huh." The redhead paused, tapping his fingers restlessly against his thigh. He turned toward Vexen again. "So… Vexen… are you gay?"

"Ye--" Vexen suddenly choked. "Excuse me?!"

Axel shrugged innocently. "I mean, you made a X-ray scanner that can see through clothes, and take measurements, and take pictures, _through the clothes_, so I'm just trying to think logically here. It just so happens that what follows logically is that you're gay."

"I am not gay!"

"No one would condemn you if you were, you know," Axel said in a dead-serious tone, staring at the scientist through the glass. "It's a modern world we live in. People can come out of the closet. Dust off the skeletons… or the people…"

"There is nothing in my closet!!"

"Oh, so you're nudist?"

"NO!!"

"I'm confused. What did you say you were again?"

"Ga-- NO!" Vexen was breathing heavily now, and a vein was pulsing on his forehead. "I am not gay! I am completely and totally heterosexual!"

By this time, poor Xigbar could not hold it in any longer. He exploded into a loud fit of snorting laughter that made the glass beakers and test tubes on the work table rattle like chattering teeth.

"And furthermore!" Vexen continued. "I do not have a heart! I am incapable of feeling emotion! Therefore it is logically impossible for me to foster an attraction to a member of either sex!"

Axel nodded. "Oh. So you're bi?"

Vexen was so flustered that he let out an extremely uncharacteristic squeal of impatience that was reminiscent of a dying baby elephant. "NO!! _Just sit the hell still so I can take your goddamned measurements_!!"

Axel took a step back and faced the glass door again, a pouting look on his face. "Okay, okay. I didn't know you were that sensitive. Yeesh."

Not responding, Vexen pounded the keyboard, his molars grinding together in fury. He turned on the scanner and let it run, glowering at the screen as the bits of data began to piece together into the pattern for a coat.

"Hey, Vex--"

"Stand still and shut up."

Axel made a face, but said nothing. The lab grew silent except for the sounds of the scanner's blue beams and an occasional tapping of keys at the keyboard, until the computer emitted a loud beeping sound, strangely similar to the sound of a toaster. Taking a deep, calming breath, Vexen turned toward a large metal wardrobe that was fixed to the wall beside the computer apparatus. He slammed open its door, yanked out a freshly sewn black coat and gave the redhead a glower that meant "get your fucking coat and get out of my lab."

Unaffected, Axel hopped out of the glass scanning enclosure toward the scientist.

"Sweet!" He tried to snatch the coat away, but Vexen's grip was so tight, he had to give it two hard yanks before it was actually in his hands. Letting it fall to the floor at his feet, he grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and tried to pull it up over his head.

It got stuck. The redhead squirmed and jerked, but the stubborn neck hole would not come over his head. All he succeeded in was making it look like he was doing some kind of a possessed stripper dance.

_Rrrriippp!_ The shirt suddenly popped off, torn in half. Grinning, Axel unbuckled his pants, and let them drop to the floor. Then, tucking his thumbs under the elastic of his boxer shorts, he turned to Vexen, cocking his head and swaying his hips inappropriately.

"Are you wearing underwear?"

There was a momentary silence, and Vexen looked as if he might keel over and die.

"Yes, I am wearing underwear."

"Should I?"

"Please."

From behind them, Xigbar chortled loudly.

Vexen only sighed in defeat. "I will have the rest of your coats portaled up into your closet by morning."

Axel froze as he was zipping up his jacket, and that devilish gleam that Vexen had learned to hate appeared in his eyes. "You have portals to our closets?"

Vexen's jaw slowly began to tighten. "Yes. Yes, Number Eight. I do."

Axel finished zipping, a grin growing on his features. "Does Xemster make you work at night when everyone else is sleeping?"

The scientist's eyes narrowed. "I choose to. That way, I am in peace."

"Really?" Axel asked, his grin growing wider as he leaned over to pick up his clothes. "Do they ever catch you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The people you spy on. At night. In bed. Through the closet doors."

"I do not spy on my cohorts!"

"Denial." Axel clicked his tongue. "Tears down the best of us."

"Number Eight," Vexen said, struggling to keep his voice calm, "I do not spy on my cohorts. I do not stay up at night for the sake of my own pleasure through some ridiculous whim. I have no interest in how many articles of clothing my coworkers wear to sleep. It is pointless to argue, because I do not engage in such indecent activity, and I will never do so, regardless of your desires and sick fantasies!"

"Hmm, nope, don't think so. I think you mean it's pointless for _you _to argue with _me_ because I will win."

"Number Eight, I _absolutely refuse_--"

"Ha!" Axel said. "Denial!"

"I am not denying anything!"

"Denial of denial. Boy, are we good. Is this what you do in your spare time or do you spend more time with your other, more interesting hobby?"

The thin thread that Vexen had been clinging to snapped. "_I DO NOT spy on my coworkers, and I AM NOT gay and I AM NOT less intelligent than you are and I AM NOT less masculine than you are!! I REFUSE to be treated so badly by a inferior member of this Organization!! I am Number FOUR and you are Number EIGHT, and therefore I am your SUPERIOR and I DEMAND to be treated as such! Eight split in half, minced finely and hung up in my office equals four, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"_

Axel seemed momentarily startled. "Y…es. Could you by chance run the last part again by me again?"

Vexen huffed, his eyes nearly glowing in his fury. He lunged forward, grabbed the front of Axel's coat, and proceeded to drag the redheaded Nobody across the floor and out of the lab. _"ONE STEP IN MY LABORATORY, AND I WILL FEED YOU TO THE DUSKS. GOT IT MEMORIZED?"_

The scientist shoved Xigbar out as well, then slammed the door shut in their faces.

The two looked at each other, and Axel grinned. "Well that was fun." Then louder, "Bye, Vexie, thanks for the coat!"

There was only a short, muffled scream in reply.

Xigbar snickered. "He hates you now. You probably made top on his hit list."

The redhead only raised his arms and stretched lazily. "Yep. That's what I was aiming for. The world without enemies is a boring place."

"He stole your line."

"Hey, it's his first day," Axel retorted. "I decided to let him go easy. Besides, he's a scientist but he can't do math. Poor guy doesn't know that eight divided by two equals Vexen."

Oh, poor, poor Vexen. The beginning of his end, poor guy.

Speaking of which, this poor baby would have died in a flurry of mid-semester reviews and exams and all that crap that no one likes (like Vexen), if weren't for Princess of Rose who reminded me to finish it. Yay for Princess of Rose! *throws lifetime supply of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies*

Anyway, reviews or criticisms or flames are _extremely_ welcome. (As in, cookies-for-you welcome XD) For any flamers, just remember, you are feeding Axel. He will never die! muahahahahahaha........


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